for everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

i'm scared.

of the jewish path i'm on. of having to make a decision about where i'm going and what kind of jew i want to be. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. on the one hand, i feel like i have one hand tied behind my back, that i can't push myself further, can't take aliyahs, or learn to lead services, or read torah in the environment that i want to be in. on the other hand, i believe myself to be authentically jewish and completely jewish. i used to get angry when people would suggest it. doing this would be some sort of acknowledgement that maybe i'm not. i feel that i am just feeding the fire that i so desperately want to put out in the jewish community.

i'm scared.

that i'm taking risks simply to avoid facing reality. i don't know what i'm doing next year. i don't know if i should go to law school now or later. i feel like i need a plan, a course, a reason to do what i want to do.